I remember dating in my early 20's and how easy it was. You, met someone, fell in love...or lust depending on how good looking the person is...and you dated until one of you (or both) decided that it was over. You kept it civil and moved on to the next person. It was like a relationship assembly line.

After 30...Relationships aren't just you and the other person. It's you, the other person, and enough baggage to fill a freaking u-haul truck. When and where did these issues come about?


You like him, he likes you, but there isn't that "spark".

You like him, he likes you...he's in a relationship.

He likes you, you like him...he's living with his mother who hates you

He isn't codependent...unless you want him to be

You like him...he likes someone else who likes you


And in my case, I only meet people from one of four categories...freaks, geeks, creeps, and alcoholics. It's up to the person to classify themselves into one or the other. So I've been trying to break out of the categories by finding new venues in which to meet people.

I try to meet men in a bar, but with the lighting as low as it is, and the loud music, I've found out the hard way that the "man of my dreams" is really lesbian with a good haircut.

So I've tried meeting someone online...but that has its own disadvantages. For example. Earlier this summer I had been conversing with someone who shall remain nameless (Dan Nicholson of Mentor Ohio). Now he and I had met online and had been conversing for nearly two months before we finally decided to meet in person. After two months talking to this person, I had an image in my head as to what he would be like. I knew what he looked like as I had his picture, but I had not yet heard his voice or had seen him in person, so I jumped at the chance when he offered to meet.

He had gotten free tickets to a play and invited me to go along with him. So I agreed to meet him in front of the theater at 7:30. I dressed nicely and was prepared to meet my future husband.

A man who resembled the picture came walking up to me, smiling, wearing a tasteful camel sportcoat and a pair of black pants. He said, "Are you, Steve?" Apparently, I'm not the only person meeting someone from online. Steve shows up...damn...if those two good-looking guys can meet online...I'm going to meet my future husband!

As I am waiting for Dan to show up, I am surveying the crowd. This is the opening night of Cats and all the beautiful people are out being seen. Across the lobby I see a flash of purple, but before I can investigate I see this dark-haired god walking my way. Sucking in my stomach and sticking out my chest (because that hides any extra weight), I flash this man a killer smile. He smiles back (this is Dan!) and says "do you have an extra ticket I can buy?". Smile collapses and my stomach expands, knocking the guy over into the crowd of people. Not Dan...

I then hear it...the lisp. "X-cuth me. Are you Patrick?" I turn around and see a man/woman/drag queen in a neon purple sequin sports coat, and green pants. He looked like grapes on a vine. I shudder as I say..."Dan?" He squeals in delight.

Now I have learned something about meeting people online. If you e-mail for too long, your imagination will eventually fill in for things you don't know. Like the sound of someone's voice. I was expecting to hear the Marlboro man...not someone who makes Brittany Spears seem masculine. If I wanted a woman, I'd have been straight.

So I'm stuck...but I'm going to make the best of it. We walk to the bar, and people are getting out of the way to avoid being blinded by the reflecting light of the sequins. In fact, wherever you look, you can see tiny dots of purple on all the walls of the lobby, which is covering up for how red I am. I order a triple scotch...for obvious reasons. He orders a "white wine spritzer, please".

Thankfully the lights begin to flash and it is time to take out seats. Yes...we have excellent seats in the center of one of the first rows. Imagine me following the walking grapevine as he "sashays" down the aisle. I honestly think people in the audience thought he was part of the show until he took his seat. As we settle in, and I beg God for a merciful lightning bold, I hear this sort of evil snickering to my left and look to see Jason, the last guy I dated, sitting with who could only be his mother. Now, this is a big difference between gay men and gay women.

Gay women, date, move in, break up, and stay friends...and eventually introduce each other to new girlfriends.

Gay men...we are evil bitches who want vengeance when we get dumped! We will tell every friend we know every detail (which of course is always biased against the other person) and leave out the part about how we cheated. And we rarely want to EVER see an ex again, unless we are on a date with someone who is more attractive. This was not the case that night.

Jason and I dated only a few times until he dumped me like an old piece of trash.
Wow....this can't get any worse huh?

It does. Jason's mother seems to want to have a conversation with me (we had never met before) and she pries out of me that I am a single gay man. She suddenly says..."My son Jason is gay. Why don't you two go out sometime"? Jason is now visibly uncomfortable, my scotch is just not kicking in fast enough and Dan is singing along to whatever the hell music is being sung.

I answer with "If he still has my number, has him call me", and turn to ask Dan if he wouldn't mind switching seats. He has tears in his eyes as he is singing along with something about a stupid cat. I lower myself down so I can't be seen by the people behind me.

Next thing I know...I hear applause. I look to my right, and Dan is gone. Jason and his mother are gone. Looks like the triple scotch worked all too well and I fell asleep before intermission. And both boys left me. Now where is that beautiful God who wanted the extra ticket?